The Journey Towards Authenticity Continues

For several months, life within the Chandler family has been chaotic and in turmoil. This, I realize, is a part of every family, but to be perfectly honest I think we have had more than our share. Being a clergy couple provides some wonderful opportunities and yet, also great challenges and frustrations. Traditionally, I have been a person who has kept much of his feelings inside which can lead to added frustration, not to mention have emotional, spiritual, and physical consequences.

One of the outlets I have embraced, especially during these last few months, is writing. I journal, I blog, and I write short bursts of expression on Facebook. I realize this makes some people feel uncomfortable or perhaps even threatened as they are not aware fully the context of those “bursts.” It has also lead to new friendships and deepened relationships – expressions of caring and concern, broadening the circle of love, friendship, and support for Courtney and me in a time of great turmoil and distress. For many, the question might have been at some point, “What in the world is going on?” Some have asked that of us, some have asked others, some have not asked. I can assure you, it is a question I have often asked myself, “What in the WORLD is going on?”

Today, I guess, is as good a day as any to articulate my journey and my story as best I can in hopes of trying to makes some sense of it myself but to also ask for your continued prayers and support for Courtney, the boys, and me as our journey continues in ways never expected.

When I began sabbatical in May of this year, it was for me, a journey and quest for authenticity. As I have shared some in a blog, I had felt over time I had allowed my authentic voice to be silenced. If you know me at all, you know I can be blunt and direct, crude and funny; sometimes – ok, often – dancing, if not stomping, on boundaries society has created. What people do not realize or see, I often think, is the other side of me. For as long as I can remember, I have used humor – sometimes rightly labeled as sarcasm and cynicism and sometimes mistakenly labeled as such – to mask and hide what I think is my true self.

A great deal happened on that sabbatical experience – a large majority of it being extremely positive, yet there were several influences from the “outside” which penetrated that holy experience for me. For anyone who has either served a church in vocational ministry or lay people who have tirelessly given of their time and talents, we have become all to aware of the difference between “Church” as an institution and “Church” as a true community of God’s people trying to live with hope while pursuing justice and peace. It is an all too easy trap to worship the institutional Church while ignoring the Church as community. My sabbatical away from the Institution was most helpful and refreshing. It allowed me to refocus my Spirit on Community – yet I knew, lurking in the shadows, was the Institution.

I literally had not returned from sabbatical 24 hours before the Institution, filled with anxiety and other issues, emerged from the shadows and reared its ugly head. The fact is, the Institution had been popping in and out of my world for the last two months of my sabbatical, but I was able, for the most part, to fight it back. That all changed on, ironically, September 11, 2009.

Imagine, if you will, going to your mailbox at home, or as I did that day, sitting in my office and finding a plain white envelope addressed to you, with no return address. You open the envelope just as you have opened literally thousands of other envelopes before it, and you find within a single white piece of paper and on that paper are the following words:

LEAVE! GO! PLEASE, JUST LEAVE US ALONE. PACK UP YOUR FAMILY, YOUR WIFE, AND YOUR BRATTY KIDS AND LEAVE! WE DO NOT WANT YOU HERE AND WE NEVER HAVE. WHILE YOU ARE LEAVING, TAKE YOUR CO-HORT WITH YOU. THIS IS OUR CHURCH AND NOT YOURS. YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN BUT YOU ARE NOT!!!

IT WILL BE BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IF YOU JUST GO. IT IS NO LONGER SAFE FOR YOU TO BE HERE. IF YOU ALL KEEP SHOWING UP, WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU ALL!!!!

JUST LEAVE! PLEASE? YOU AND THOSE LIKE YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE BY US OLDER MEMBERS. WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND YOU CANNOT MAKE US! PLEASE LEAVE ON YOUR OWN BEFORE SOMEONE MAKES YOU LEAVE.

The letter, of course, is unsigned.

Words cannot truly express the hurt, shock, and anger at receiving such a letter. I will say, however this letter has deeply impacted my life and the life of my family, as well as both the Institutional Church and Communal Church I have tried to faithfully serve for the last six years in Athens.

In the time since this letter was received, I have been unable to bring my oldest son with me into this place as I have feared for physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. He is well aware now of this situation and I know he is deeply troubled by it; expressing this in ways only an 8 year old can – with honesty and sincerity. I have been walking around this place filled with an emptiness that is indescribable and an anger and frustration hard to imagine. I feel as though all aspects of my life – physical, emotional, spiritual; vocational and personal – have been violated.

Complicating matters a great deal has been the collision of my vocational world and Courtney’s as she has had to deal with some very difficult issues in her ministry position – issues which led to her termination last week. She and I have tried very hard to keep these worlds and struggles separate for the sake of our own sanity and the peacefulness of our home. The collision which took place was due to the actions of another, and then another, and then another, and so on. Oh well … some things are simply out of our control. I will simply say I love Courtney deeply and am proud of her as a person, a spouse, a partner in life and in ministry. She is a woman of incredible gifts and graces, integrity being one of the greatest. When all else is going to hell in a hand basket, Courtney has always acted with compassion, justice, and integrity!

Everyday for the last 15 years, I have awakened with the knowledge that I am the “some minister” of “some congregation.” On November 16th, that will no longer be the case as tonight (November 3), I am resigning my position as the Senior Minister of First Christian Church in Athens. At this time, I do not have another ministry calling so I do this with a great deal of fear, trembling, but also faith and hope. The time has come for me to begin a new journey, personally and vocationally … spiritually.

One of the great lessons I have learned in recent months is regarding where I place my faith and allegiance in regards to the Church. I have for too long, wrongly placed my hope and faith in the Institution of Church rather than within the Community of Church. Do not misunderstand, the Institutional Church has taught me a great deal – it has assisted me in the forming of relationships I would not otherwise have. Yet, is it is the Communal Church God formed that day of Pentecost – it is the Communal Church that cares for and nurtures God’s people. For too long I have been guilty of idolatry and the time for confession, repentance, reconciliation and healing is about to begin. I love the Church, but I love God even more … and so a new journey for me begins.

There is a lot of grief and sadness associated with this transition in my life and within the life of my family … and yes, there has been a great deal of anger. But I have allowed those things to have way too much power over me. No more. Now I shall be the person I know I truly am – to be the person God has created … blunt and direct, crude and funny; dancing, if not stomping on the boundaries society has created … but I hope to see and hope others will see the other parts of me – caring, sensitive, compassionate, justice-seeking, loving, prophetic … a person of deep faith and hope. Indeed, I love the Church, but I love God a whole lot more.

Who knows where this journey will lead? When it first hit me that I would no longer have a pulpit to stand behind on a weekly basis, it scared me. The irony of it all being when I first accepted the call to vocational ministry 22 years ago, I had said I never wanted to pastor a church – I never wanted to preach on a regular basis.

In May, I set out on an intentional journey of trying to reclaim my own voice, a voice of authenticity. I thought it was something I could do in a three month period. While great strides were made in that time, I realize now that journey continues, but down a different path. The world, God’s Community of Creation, is now my Church and my voice will be my pulpit.

I covet prayers and traveling mercies for this journey. For the ways our paths have crossed to this point, I give God thanks. I pray also, our journeys shall continue to cross in hopes of finding our individual voices of authenticity together.